My Personal Misery Trainer (funny)

Guy in running pants, with a clipboard, gets up in front the of a group in a hall. He’s taking the opportunity to make a little announcement.

“OK. Because you know how they say, take a passion you have, turn a personal thing you love into uh, you know, a new business, make a livelihood from it – like the things I know how to do best, that I’m the most expert in, had lots of practice. You take a good hobby your really good at and a lot of people are obviously extremely interested in, and uh, turning it into, you know, a new business model.

So I’m starting a new coaching practice, a new kind of personal trainer, called Your Personal Misery Coach.

So let me tell you about some of the areas of life misery I can help you with…

We can start with easy stuff – a full program of progression. Go from some daydreaming and fantasy and work your way to basic irritability and annoyance, then to feeling sorry for oneself and all the way up to full scale clinical depression. In the meantime you can enjoy some things like Overthinking, which you can even do in your sleep. I mean you’ll wake up exhausted, ready for more. I’ve done it many many times. There’s nothing too it. You know, have some life dramas with relatives or close ones. Some good arguments, debates, conflicts, worries, stress… Anything will help. Get the mind spinning. A few cups o coffee or even energy drinks during the day helps of course, stir the pot.

After the basic introductory course in Daydreaming and fantasy, we will go on to the unit Workplace Stress for Dummies, and Relationship Drama and Conflict. Once you’ve got that under your belt, you’ll get to more advanced topics. But before we get into addiction and uh, also the obsessional compulsive behaviors, you’ll want make sure you’ve got the self-centeredness unit down pat.

Now, one of the more natural, easier ones for people is the overthinking, and the active mind, the busy mind. And you can even do this while you’re sleeping. I mean literally. You can do it at night, while you are asleep. You can wake up nice and exhausted from your mind going all night.

Yeah so I each a range of skills – everything from overthinking to brooding to addictions, depression, uh, being triggered, obsessing…

I would recommend to almost anyone, the essential core course called Dishonesty 101 – it’s an excellent foundation for most of the other courses. We really want you to work on your phoniness, self-deception – what they call the False Self – as this needs constant effort to build, maintain and improve. We’ve even contracted with a special instructor from Los Angeles to help you with your Phoniness. She’s a fully committed phony and has had enough plastic surgery to make Michael Jackson look like Mister Authenticity.

If you fail the Pride course though and get humble, you’ll have to take egotism and self-centeredness over again.

Speaking of Self-Centeredness, you know it’s a great solid foundation for one of my favorites, and a very popular unit, especially in the Hollywood area, which is the Addiction Core Strength Course.

We can get into almost any kind of addiction, like to drugs or alcohol or sex or shopping or internet, whatever. That will serve just great because then you’ll have an escape from any feelings that will give away useful information to you about how you might feel whole again. I mean you know because the whole idea, point is to have a reason for existing as this miserable, un-whole, poor human being.

The thing with the addictions though or basically any of these, is you need lots of practice. So uh, get a good coach. And uh, repetition is very important for learning. So practice, practice, practice, until you just get so good at it and it becomes unconscious. You can just pull it out of the hat just any time you need it – and this applies to any of our really great programs, like depression for dummies, anxiety for idiots, addictions for mom and dad – we are even working on this awesome program of obsessive-compulisive Disorder 101 for teens. Some of them have even gone onto great careers in Bulimia and Easting disorders that they can play out into college and escape from havin gto take finals, get free counseling. We can also go easy if you want to just glide through, you know, cranky reactiveness, bad moods, uh, superiority, judgmental-ness, arrogance, irritability and victimhood. These are all part of your toolkit for not being your true self.
And you know these really serve as foundational skills for the addiction course. We’ve even had some graduates who’ve ended up on the sidewalks of San Francisco.

Advanced Suffering

meestereric

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