The more she undresses, the more your desire increases…
for the bliss, the surrender, the melancholy to go away and leave you alone, with *her*, the Absolute…
the naked oneness, raw and direct. Pure Beauty & truth in all her glory, teasing you onto Love.
And just when you think you’re free of her, back safely in the ego, business as usual, selfishly striving, she pops up again – or out again – blazing away, laughing at you, as you laugh with her, for being such a fool for thinking you could leave her. Hahaha. No such luck, Padre. She’s got you by the short and curlies. For good. Admit it.
No going back now dude. Ever. The old mistress, the comfort of non-action, the doldrums of desire and fear, are seen as the shallow tarts they were, forever unsatisfying, as fake as the lipstick on their busy mouths. Their noise fades into the distance, as the winds of a new kind of desire fill your sails. The sails of Freedom with a capital fucking “F”.
You want her with all your soul, but something was holding you back. What did you think you’d lose?
“Let me get this straight…” she says, smiling in that knowing way. You know you’re cooked.
“… you don’t want to give up your misery, your anger, your remaining fear, suspicions, your doubts, your overthinking, agitation and seeking for a future that never comes, and hold on to this precious self you think you are, because it’s who you think you are.”
“Um, well, kind of. I mean, I’d like to change, give up all that, but not at the expense of giving up what I am, this body and mind and collection of memories and creative ideas. And stuff.”
“Are you happy?”
“Uh… no. Not totally. But, like, it’s comfortable, familiar, it works, it gets me from point A to point B, this old vehicle… I, I, I guess I’m sort of in love with it, this being a person”, I said sheepishly. “This world. You know, it’s kind of cool.”
“I see. Now we get down to brass tacks. I have competition. You’re serving that slut while wanting me, is that it?”
“That ‘slut’ got me to where I am today.”
“Master of your domain?”
“Haha. Not exactly. But maintaining.”
“That’s the first true thing you’ve said today.
Let’s start over and see what you want. What you really want. Now tell me honestly. What do you really want – what will make you permanently happy, such that you could want for Nothing? Go for it. Bare your soul my dear.”
I sat and pondered. Cornered. No way to go but up, no way out, no way back except down.
“Sigh. OK I give up. You win. You can have me.” Of course, once again she saw right through my games…
“Not so quick. All I’m hearing is giving up, resignation. This isn’t about that. You’re still going along with your stupid.”
“My stupid? My stupid what?”
“Yes, your stupid what!”
“Exactly! And you’ll remain lost until the final hour.”
“Jesus. The final hour… that sounds so …final.”
“When you finally see you’re not what you thought you were. When time stops, since it never began. When I come into your heart and out of your head, and fulfill your wildest fantasies. Actually I was kidding about that last part. But you can have whatever you want. Because you never lost it. You only thought you lost it. The head gives up trying to control things, because it realizes it never could, never was, and never will be anything but a mirage, egging you on to endless illusions that tempt to happiness but never live up to the promise. There’s no end to suffering until you end it. You end it by coming with me.”
“Where are you taking me?”
“The Promised Land. Also called the ‘Unknown’. Poorly named by the way, because it contains all knowledge. It just didn’t fit the expectations of visitors and residents, so they stuck that sign on it. The permanent resident, of which there is only one, couldn’t care less what it’s called, so leaves the naming alone.”
“How will I know when I’m there?”
“By three signs: the fruit, the great vistas, and the lack of any others living there. It’s very peaceful.”
“Au contraire. The entire universe is your eternal friend.”
“Sigh. OK, I’m sold. Sounds better than this tiny shack I’m inhabiting. It was getting cramped, what with all my possessions, pet habits, objects of fear and desire wrapped up in grief and sadness, tiredness and irritability. I’ll let go as soon as… ”
“As you get permission? Approval? Get a sign from the universe?”
“… Uh, well, I guess I don’t need any of that shit.”
“Wiser words were never said” she said, smiling, teasingly, as she started to remove her dressing gown… “Come with me… I have a surprise for you…”
I followed her to another room. At the same time she dropped her gown, she disappeared into nothing, and the room revealed itself to be an infinite one full of light and eternity… as I forgot my self, a bliss and beauty beyond compare surprising in its absolute completeness and certainty permeated all the spaceless timelessness of what could only be called this all-encompassing “presence”… like, totally.